you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
