Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Please don't give away my fajitas
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
