When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
