theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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