A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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