whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
