I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
