and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
