I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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