the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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