Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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