she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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