I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
