I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
