Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
