I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
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