just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
