if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
What changed your mind?
Being sober
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
