Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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