I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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