final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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