I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
