Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize