tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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