How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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