Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I am midnight drunk by noon
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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