you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
