I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
whose parrot is this?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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