I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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