The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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