I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
