I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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