My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
