I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize