if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I want her autograph on my taint
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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