Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize