Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
