dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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