seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
