Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
God gave him joint rollers for hands
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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