she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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