a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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