Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
