A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
