Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
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