Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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