i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize