how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
