I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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