Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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