I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
