i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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