My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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