I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
