I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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