i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
