The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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