Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
