you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
