i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Randomize
