I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
