Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
