I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
